We Are All In This Together

Being a newlywed is such an amazing time, at least that is what I have heard. You start a new life together with the love of your life. You often start a family as well. Your desires and passions are finally being met by someone who loves you for you.  What happens a few weeks after your wedding day?   What happens when you get back from your awesome honey moon?  The real life begins and there are trials and challenges to being together rather than a single individual. Yes, there are expenses, rules, passions, and different ideas of how to raise your children, but is that all?   Of course not, you have two families now.  Harper, J. M. and Olsen, S. F. explained the transition wonderfully.

"Creating Healthy Ties With In-Laws and Extended Families. Harper, J. M. & Olsen, S. F. (2005)

“Marrying into a family that is different from yours or has different values can be a challenge.  Demonstrating humor, exercising patience, overlooking small irritations, and looking for the positive can help in dealing with differences.  One woman said; When I met (his) parents…. I didn’t agree with them on religion, politics, or even on how to cook a pot roast.  I really wasn’t even sure if I liked them.  But then I had to remember they had raised (my husband), and I love him, so there must be something good about them.  At that point, I began to enjoy their differences, and to love them, too.”

Marriage is not only difficult for the children to transition, but it is difficult for a mother and father.  They have raised their children for about two decades and then in sometimes a few months they turn to talk to and ask advice to their spouse more often than their parents.  This is not a one way street.  Both sides are affected when these things happen.  As these authors continue to write, they paint a picture of what it might look like on the other side of the spectrum. 

Creating Healthy Ties With In-Laws and Extended Families. Harper, J. M. & Olsen, S. F. (2005)

“Mothers-In-Law usually discover early that their daughters-in-law are not like them, and in some cases, this may be upsetting.  Parents who are more enmeshed with their children hold expectations their children-in-law will be like them.  A more realistic expectation is that children-in-law will bring new perspectives into the family, and the family can learn from these differences and be complemented by them.  This may be especially difficult when a child marries someone who is less active or not a member, or a child marries someone who is the only member of the Church in this or her family.  Parents who can work toward inclusion of a new son- or daughter-in-law and who show increased love and support have the best relationships with their married children and more influences in the lives of their grandchildren.”

We see that both parents and children are affected when two people get married.  This doesn’t mean it is all bad.  Positive relationships can be formed and often are.  What we need to understand is how we should act when we are married or when our children are mar

ried.  We need to know God has a plan for us to return to live with him some day and being the best people we can be involves marrying and creating a family together.  This life is an opportunity to learn and grow, adapt and change.  Let’s not think that when we get married, we are the only ones that matter.  As parents, let us not think we are the ones needing to be pleased after our child’s marriage.  Let us be more Christ like and create a larger family as God intended us to have.

Who has the power?

Have you ever been in a situation where one person dominates the discussion, doesn’t listen to your thoughts/ideas, or won’t give you the opportunity to prove yourself?  How did you feel?  What did you do as a result?  Now, did you have to accomplish something with that person?  When one person has all the power in a relationship or in a group, the outcomes of performing a task are not as good as they could have been with the calibration of two people.  Marriages often can be improved and raising children effectively if a couple works together and not against one another.  Gordon B Hinckley gives wise council about an equal partnership and explains how he was able to accomplish it in his marriage.

(Gordon B. Hinckley, Ensign, October 2003, pp. 22, 27)

“I’ve tried to recognize my wife’s individuality, her personality, her desires, her background, her ambitions. Let her fly. Yes, let her fly! Let her develop her own talents. Let her do things her way. Get out of her way, and marvel at what she does…If there is anything that concerns me, it is that some men try to run their wife’s life and tell her everything she ought to do. It will not work. There will not be happiness in the lives of the children nor of the parents where the man tries to run everything and control his wife. They are partners. They are companions in this great venture that we call marriage and family life.”

As the president of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, he gives wise council and practices what he preaches.  In an early talk he gives more council to an effective equal partnership.

(Gordon B. Hinckley, Ensign, August 1992, p. 6)

“Marriage, in its truest form, is a partnership of equals, with neither exercising dominion over the other, but, rather, with each encouraging and assisting the other in whatever responsibilities and aspirations he or she might have.”

When partners are equals, they can be more effective parents.  Have you had times in your life when you thought your kid was using your spouse against you to get their way?  Have you been too strict with your children, wanting to protect them, to only find out they rebel more than other children? Have you given your child too much freedom without rules or guidelines and they are going down a path you don’t want them to? There needs to be balance in all things even when it comes to disciplining your children.  Spencer W Kimball and Joseph F. Smith hit the nail on the head when they describe how to discipline your children.

(Spencer W. Kimball, TSWK pp. 340, 341)

“Discipline is probably one of the most important elements in which a mother and father can lead and guide and direct their children…. Setting limits to what a child can do means to that child that you love him and respect him. If you permit the child to do all the things he would like to do without any limits, that means to him that you do not care much about him.”

(Joseph F. Smith, Gospel Doctrine, p. 286)

“God forbid that there should be any of us so unwisely indulgent, so thoughtless and so shallow in our affection for our children that we dare not check them in a wayward course, in wrong-doing and in their foolish love for the things of the world more than for the things of righteousness, for fear of offending them.”

If we want to become effective parents, we first need to start with our marriage.  Be equal.  Although a husband and wife have different responsibilities and obligations, they should be as equals.  They need to be respectful of one another and help raise the family together.  As these traits are perfected, raising children will be a bit easier and more effective.  Together, you and your spouse can become one and raise children who want and strive to be like Christ every day of their lives.  

Fidelity

Have you ever had a best friend you had a struggle or frustrations with?  Often times, we don’t always talk to our best friend about it.  Although the problem or quarrel can be solved much easier, we complain to others and seek comfort from people we don’t value as much as our best friend. Why do we do this?  Why do we seek love from less than our best friend?  We are prideful.  We don’t want to talk to our friend if he or she hurt our feelings.  This is the opposite of what we should do.  We need to comfort our friend and work with them to solve this frustrations and conflict.  The guidance is the very same in marriage.  The more distant we are from our spouse, the more we confide or seek comfort from others.  If these people are the opposite sex, it could have devastating consequences.

“Purity” Brother Goddard

This is an example of progression of unfaithfulness

• Behaviors that seem innocent(doing good, helping in some capacity)
• An affection grows that claims part of one’s heart
• Extramarital flirting. Justification- “no harm intended”
• Relationship declared as “special”
• Opportunities created to see “special fiend” (one worries what others will say/think)
• Excuses made, lies told to hide time and resources spent on other person
• Spouse is displaced. Emotional intimacy exchanged with “special friend”
• Faultfinding with spouse
• Fantasies about other person
• Physical affection-a squeeze, a kiss, a hug
• Sexual relations

We know sexual relations do n ot just happen out of nowhere.  This progression is exactly what Satan does when it comes to sin.  Little by little he tempts us and tries to distort our way of thinking.  As we push our spouse away, we have to feel that space with something and someone and it leads to dangerous regrettable mistakes.  I’ve spoken about all the bad that can happen, what do we do to avoid all of this negativity and separation from our spouse? We learn to love them.  A student at BYU Idaho struggled with some of these early on unfaithful actions.  She was able to turn it all around and re kindle that love and growth with her husband.  He is her experience.

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“As I read the chapter on purity I was horrified.  Tears filled my eyes when I realized that I was in those beginning stages of being unfaithful.  The thought of being unfaithful to my sweetheart is disgusting to me, and yet in a way I was playing with emotional infidelity.  I really love the quote, “The grass is greener on the other side of the fence you water.” It is so true! My friendship was not bad, but what was bad was that I was putting energy into the friendship that should have been put into my marriage.  I made a strict commitment to myself and the Lord that I would not share my heart with anyone but my husband and Him.  I had been thinking about my friend worrying about him, a lot, and I decided that was the end and cut it out of my mind.  My friend has other people and the Lord to take care of him.  I changed my usual route waling to class, knowing that I would sometimes run into him on that route.  I stopped talking to him on the computer. All of the energy, thoughts, time on the computer everything I turned over to my husband, plus more. I am again looking for little acts of service I can do to show my husband how much I totally adore him. I am doing the things to build our relationship spiritually and to give God His place in our marriage. I want to have the greenest, most beautiful grass on the side of the fence where my husband is, and I will not let anything in to harm it.  I haven’t spoken to my husband about this wake-up call, but I think he has felt and noticed the changes.”

We all make mistakes and get frustrated with those around us.  It is our duty and responsibility to keep the fidelity between us and our spouse.  Take a breath before making a regrettable decision and think of all the good qualities your spouse possess.  None of us want to lose that and we won’t as we stick to them and are faithful to them.  

Look Into the Mirror

Often times in my life when I struggle with someone, a friend, family member, or a random individual, I want them to change.  If I feel like they will not budge one bit, I ask our Father in Heaven to help this person change or understand they are wrong.  How wrong was I?  Actions or ways of doing things annoy me or aggravate me.  Often times it is not that a person is breaking rules or doing anything wrong, it is just different from how I would do it. Why do we expect people to change for us?  Why do we think everyone else is in the wrong?  I think we all are a little prideful and can have God mold us into better people.  My prayers to the all-powerful God should not ask to change another, but to help me see them in a different light.  I need to be the one to appreciate people for who they are like Christ did.  When we think of marriage, we might have different frustrations pop up in our mind.  Before you start reflecting on how annoyed you sometimes get with your spouse, read and ponder this quote by Goddard.

“Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage” H. Wallace Goddard

“Those of you who are careful accountants may be thinking that if 70% can’t change, what about the remaining 30% of what we don’t like that can change.  There is another intriguing irony here.  According to Gottman’s thorough research, the ONLY way to get partners to change that 30% is by enjoying them the way they are!  You can spot the irony.  When we love our partners the way they are, we don’t care if they change!  That is the very thing that liberates them to change.  Acceptance is the key to change in those areas where it is possible. 

If we accept our spouses or family and friends for whom they are, it is a win-win.  Both people are happy and it is because both people appreciated one another for who they were and as a result, changed because they love the other person.  Goddard continues in his book explaining about change and how we need to be the ones to change.

“Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage” H. Wallace Goddard

“The only way to build a truly healthy marriage is by being a truly good person-to be changed in our very natures.  President Benson said, “You do change human nature, your own human nature, if you surrender it to Christ.  Human nature can be changed here and now.  Human nature has been changed in the past.  Human nature must be changed on an enormous scale in the future, unless the world is to be drowned in its own blood.  And only Christ can change it.”

Isn’t it interesting, the knowledge we were taught from a young child still holds true as we are an adult.  “Treat others like you would like to be treated.”  Goddard quotes valuable wisdom from Wendy Watson below.

 “The best-kept secret in many marriages is the strengths spouses see in each other. . . . An interesting fact about commending your spouse is that the more you do it, the more you see in him or her to commend.”

Let’s start to change ourselves before we point the finger at our loved ones.  Let’s make our marriages about how we can improve the lives of our spouses and how we can change our view in order to see what a great person they really are.  We have our own faults.  Change what you can in your own life and by the time you do that, you are grateful for your spouse the way she/he is and or they have already changed the habits that annoyed you.  Look into the mirror instead of out the window the next time you wake up. 

Managing Conflict

How do we manage conflict?  How do we handle when our spouse gets upset or is upset with us?  I am not married and don’t know what it is like, but I have been in conflicts and have been scolded at and it does not help.  When we hear how awful we are doing or what a terrible job we have done, we don’t feel too encouraged.  If we eventually do what this nagging person asks us to do, we don’t do it out of respect, we do it because we fear another scolding. Gottman shows how degrading can reduce our growth or push us away when he compares adults to children. 

"The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" John M.Gottman

“Adults could learn something in this regard from research into child development. We now know that the key to instilling in children a positive self-image and effective social skills is to communicate to them that we understand their feelings. Children grow and change optimally when we acknowledge their feelings.  Children grow and change optimally when we acknowledge their emotions. (“That doggie scared you,” “You’re crying because you’re sad right now,” “You sound very angry.  Let’s talk about it”) rather than belittle or punish them for their feelings (“It’s silly to be afraid of such a little dog,” “Big boys don’t cry,” “No angry bears allowed in this house, go to your room till you calm down”). When you let a child know that his or her feelings are okay to have, you are also communicating that the child himself or herself is acceptable even when sad or crabby or scared.  This helps the child to feel good about himself or herself, which makes positive growth and change possible.  The same is true for adults.  In order to improve a marriage, we need to feel accepted by our spouse.”

Think in your own life. Do you degrade your spouse or put them down when talking to them?  Do you start your conversation with a harsh start up instead of bringing up something helpful or being considerate?  If you or your spouse does this when there is conflict, then consider what Goddard mentioned in his book.

"Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage" H. Wallace Goddard

“Consecration is a covenant that moves us from asking how we can get our needs met to asking how we can bless and serve.  We become more grateful.  Rather than wondering if this marriage is a good investment that will pay us a handsome return, we ask for heavenly grace that we may love and serve as Jesus served without thought of reward.  While there are destructive relationships that should end, the vast majority of relationships can survive and flourish if each of us brings our whole should as an offering.”

We often get caught up in the self-pity game or pour me.  There are times when our spouse might act inappropriately or out of anger, but most of the time conflicts or disagreements can be resolved civilly and without the “gnashing of teeth.”  Do we often treat our guests better than our spouse when they have done something that would normally infuriate us?  Gottman stopped me in my tracks when I read his more than inspired words. 

"The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" John M.Gottman

“To a certain degree, my fifth principle comes down to having good manners.  It means treating your spouse with the same respect you offer to company. If a guest leaves an umbrella, we say, “Here. You forgot your umbrella.”  We would never think of saying, “What’s wrong with you? You are constantly forgetting things.  Be a little more thoughtful, for God’s sake!  What am I, your slave to go picking up after you?” We are sensitive to the quest’s feelings, even if things don’t go so well. “

When in a debate or disagreement with your spouse, think to yourself, would I want to be talked to or addressed in the manner I am going to communicate?  When you are angry or frustrated, you aren’t yourself and don’t treat people like you normally would.  If a conflict arises this week between you and your spouse, will you take the time to ask for God’s help and see your husband/wife for who they are trying to be?  Will you do your best to not start a conversation with a harsh startup?  Finally, will you help your spouse help feel accepted when he or she is not acting herself? 

Beware of Pride

Have you ever tried to resolve a problem or plan a project with a stubborn or prideful person?  It isn’t fun, is it? People who won’t give an inch or won’t listen to your advice/input can be very difficult to work with.  We look in the mirror and often think we are humble and willing to listen to other people’s input, when most of the time we are mistaken. H. Wallace Goddard explains this very well.

“Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage”, by H. Wallace Goddard

“The natural man is inclined to love himself and fix others. God has asked us to do the opposite.  We are to fix ourselves by repenting and to love others. It is not surprising that we have difficulties in marriage. We so often do the very things that will destroy our relationships.”

The way to happiness is not asking a person to change all of their small faults or the irritations you have with them, it is looking inside yourself and trying to figure out how you can change your view on things. We don’t have to change our view of our spouse alone; we have our Father in Heaven, who has let us call upon him to perfect ourselves.   Ezra Taft Benson tells why we need to be more humble and how we can turn to God for help. 

 “Beware of Pride”, Ezra Taft Benson, Ensign, May 1989

“Pride adversely affects all our relationships--Our relationship with God and His servants, between husband and wife, parent and child, employer and employee, teacher and student, and all mankind.  Our degree of pride determines how we treat our God and our brothers and sisters.  Christ wants to lift us to where He is.  Do we desire to do the same for others?.... We must yield “to the enticings of the Holy Spirit,” put off the prideful “natural man,” become “a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, “and become “as a child, submissive, meek, humble.”

Marriage can be difficult if one or both of us is prideful.  Think about digging a hole for your new pool with a small hand shovel.  As you start, things seem okay.  You get past the soft dirt and into the next layer and you begin to hit rocks.  You look at the size of the area and the depth you need to dig and you ask yourself, why do I have to dig a hole for a pool?  The question is not the pool, because you know the pool will be refreshing and relaxing when finished, but it is what can I do to help dig this hole better?  The answer is simple, get a better tool.  Get a larger shovel.  This is like a relationship.  You have a pool to dig, a spouse with who you can enjoy life, but it’s not their fault that you don’t like some things they do.  Change your tool and you can enjoy your spouse for who he/she is. Goddard explains why we might think it is our partners fault and not our own. 

"Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage", by H. Wallace Goddard

“While the natural man is inclined to think that the problem is our partner, the man of Christ knows that the irritation is probably the result of some faulty thinking-some troublesome assumption and expectation nested in our unconscious.”

Let us all find a better tool we have stored in the back of our messy shed and change how we dig.  We can be humble and learn to love and listen to our spouses to have a happier and more enjoyable marriage. 

Be the Person Your Spouse Needs

Often times in my young teenage years, my mother would ask me if I wanted to go to the store with her.  Most of the time I was tired or wanted to relax and watch TV after a long day of school and sports. It wasn’t that I didn’t have time; I just really did not enjoy shopping all the time. 

With time I would go a little more. Some stores my mom needed to go to were in dangerous parts of town and she wanted me to go to help her feel safe.  There were times when my mom would ask and I would think, not really wanting to go, and she said it was okay. I just let her go alone.  This blog consists of marriage, why would I be talking about my mother and me? 

I have learned a life lesson about marriage through this experience.  The times I went with my mother to the store were enjoyable and I learned more about her than I knew prior.  The times she went alone, I was choosing my relaxation time over my mother’s feelings. 

I don’t want to ever do that to my mother again.  I don’t want to tell my future wife I won’t do something just because I don’t enjoy it.  If she likes doing yoga and wants me to do it with her, then I will do it with her. It builds a relationship and you show your love and dedication to her. 

In the book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” by John M. Gottman, he paints a picture of how we can turn toward our spouse on a regular bases. 

“Comical as it may sound, romance actually grows when a couple are in the supermarket and the wife says, “Are we out of bleach?” and the husband says, “I don’t know. Let me go get some just in case,” instead of shrugging apathetically.  It grows when you know your spouse is having a bad day at work and you take sixty seconds out of your own workday to leave words of encouragement on his voice mail.  It grows when your wife tells you one morning, “I had the worst nightmare last night,” and you say, “I’m in a bug hurry, but tell me about it now so we can talk about it tonight,” instead of “I don’t have time” In all of these instances husband and wife are making a choice to turn toward each other rather than away.”

I don’t think we have to be the Jones’.  Honestly, the Jones’ don’t exist. There is neither a perfect family nor a perfect marriage, but I think we can have a strong foundation and relationship when we sacrifice a little of our time for the love of our life.

Is your first thought to reject an invitation from your spouse when he or she asks you to do something with him or her? 

If so, turn toward him or her instead of away.  Invest a little time in your relationship to build strong bonds and a lasting relationship.