Look Into the Mirror

Often times in my life when I struggle with someone, a friend, family member, or a random individual, I want them to change.  If I feel like they will not budge one bit, I ask our Father in Heaven to help this person change or understand they are wrong.  How wrong was I?  Actions or ways of doing things annoy me or aggravate me.  Often times it is not that a person is breaking rules or doing anything wrong, it is just different from how I would do it. Why do we expect people to change for us?  Why do we think everyone else is in the wrong?  I think we all are a little prideful and can have God mold us into better people.  My prayers to the all-powerful God should not ask to change another, but to help me see them in a different light.  I need to be the one to appreciate people for who they are like Christ did.  When we think of marriage, we might have different frustrations pop up in our mind.  Before you start reflecting on how annoyed you sometimes get with your spouse, read and ponder this quote by Goddard.

“Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage” H. Wallace Goddard

“Those of you who are careful accountants may be thinking that if 70% can’t change, what about the remaining 30% of what we don’t like that can change.  There is another intriguing irony here.  According to Gottman’s thorough research, the ONLY way to get partners to change that 30% is by enjoying them the way they are!  You can spot the irony.  When we love our partners the way they are, we don’t care if they change!  That is the very thing that liberates them to change.  Acceptance is the key to change in those areas where it is possible. 

If we accept our spouses or family and friends for whom they are, it is a win-win.  Both people are happy and it is because both people appreciated one another for who they were and as a result, changed because they love the other person.  Goddard continues in his book explaining about change and how we need to be the ones to change.

“Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage” H. Wallace Goddard

“The only way to build a truly healthy marriage is by being a truly good person-to be changed in our very natures.  President Benson said, “You do change human nature, your own human nature, if you surrender it to Christ.  Human nature can be changed here and now.  Human nature has been changed in the past.  Human nature must be changed on an enormous scale in the future, unless the world is to be drowned in its own blood.  And only Christ can change it.”

Isn’t it interesting, the knowledge we were taught from a young child still holds true as we are an adult.  “Treat others like you would like to be treated.”  Goddard quotes valuable wisdom from Wendy Watson below.

 “The best-kept secret in many marriages is the strengths spouses see in each other. . . . An interesting fact about commending your spouse is that the more you do it, the more you see in him or her to commend.”

Let’s start to change ourselves before we point the finger at our loved ones.  Let’s make our marriages about how we can improve the lives of our spouses and how we can change our view in order to see what a great person they really are.  We have our own faults.  Change what you can in your own life and by the time you do that, you are grateful for your spouse the way she/he is and or they have already changed the habits that annoyed you.  Look into the mirror instead of out the window the next time you wake up. 

Managing Conflict

How do we manage conflict?  How do we handle when our spouse gets upset or is upset with us?  I am not married and don’t know what it is like, but I have been in conflicts and have been scolded at and it does not help.  When we hear how awful we are doing or what a terrible job we have done, we don’t feel too encouraged.  If we eventually do what this nagging person asks us to do, we don’t do it out of respect, we do it because we fear another scolding. Gottman shows how degrading can reduce our growth or push us away when he compares adults to children. 

"The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" John M.Gottman

“Adults could learn something in this regard from research into child development. We now know that the key to instilling in children a positive self-image and effective social skills is to communicate to them that we understand their feelings. Children grow and change optimally when we acknowledge their feelings.  Children grow and change optimally when we acknowledge their emotions. (“That doggie scared you,” “You’re crying because you’re sad right now,” “You sound very angry.  Let’s talk about it”) rather than belittle or punish them for their feelings (“It’s silly to be afraid of such a little dog,” “Big boys don’t cry,” “No angry bears allowed in this house, go to your room till you calm down”). When you let a child know that his or her feelings are okay to have, you are also communicating that the child himself or herself is acceptable even when sad or crabby or scared.  This helps the child to feel good about himself or herself, which makes positive growth and change possible.  The same is true for adults.  In order to improve a marriage, we need to feel accepted by our spouse.”

Think in your own life. Do you degrade your spouse or put them down when talking to them?  Do you start your conversation with a harsh start up instead of bringing up something helpful or being considerate?  If you or your spouse does this when there is conflict, then consider what Goddard mentioned in his book.

"Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage" H. Wallace Goddard

“Consecration is a covenant that moves us from asking how we can get our needs met to asking how we can bless and serve.  We become more grateful.  Rather than wondering if this marriage is a good investment that will pay us a handsome return, we ask for heavenly grace that we may love and serve as Jesus served without thought of reward.  While there are destructive relationships that should end, the vast majority of relationships can survive and flourish if each of us brings our whole should as an offering.”

We often get caught up in the self-pity game or pour me.  There are times when our spouse might act inappropriately or out of anger, but most of the time conflicts or disagreements can be resolved civilly and without the “gnashing of teeth.”  Do we often treat our guests better than our spouse when they have done something that would normally infuriate us?  Gottman stopped me in my tracks when I read his more than inspired words. 

"The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" John M.Gottman

“To a certain degree, my fifth principle comes down to having good manners.  It means treating your spouse with the same respect you offer to company. If a guest leaves an umbrella, we say, “Here. You forgot your umbrella.”  We would never think of saying, “What’s wrong with you? You are constantly forgetting things.  Be a little more thoughtful, for God’s sake!  What am I, your slave to go picking up after you?” We are sensitive to the quest’s feelings, even if things don’t go so well. “

When in a debate or disagreement with your spouse, think to yourself, would I want to be talked to or addressed in the manner I am going to communicate?  When you are angry or frustrated, you aren’t yourself and don’t treat people like you normally would.  If a conflict arises this week between you and your spouse, will you take the time to ask for God’s help and see your husband/wife for who they are trying to be?  Will you do your best to not start a conversation with a harsh startup?  Finally, will you help your spouse help feel accepted when he or she is not acting herself? 

Beware of Pride

Have you ever tried to resolve a problem or plan a project with a stubborn or prideful person?  It isn’t fun, is it? People who won’t give an inch or won’t listen to your advice/input can be very difficult to work with.  We look in the mirror and often think we are humble and willing to listen to other people’s input, when most of the time we are mistaken. H. Wallace Goddard explains this very well.

“Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage”, by H. Wallace Goddard

“The natural man is inclined to love himself and fix others. God has asked us to do the opposite.  We are to fix ourselves by repenting and to love others. It is not surprising that we have difficulties in marriage. We so often do the very things that will destroy our relationships.”

The way to happiness is not asking a person to change all of their small faults or the irritations you have with them, it is looking inside yourself and trying to figure out how you can change your view on things. We don’t have to change our view of our spouse alone; we have our Father in Heaven, who has let us call upon him to perfect ourselves.   Ezra Taft Benson tells why we need to be more humble and how we can turn to God for help. 

 “Beware of Pride”, Ezra Taft Benson, Ensign, May 1989

“Pride adversely affects all our relationships--Our relationship with God and His servants, between husband and wife, parent and child, employer and employee, teacher and student, and all mankind.  Our degree of pride determines how we treat our God and our brothers and sisters.  Christ wants to lift us to where He is.  Do we desire to do the same for others?.... We must yield “to the enticings of the Holy Spirit,” put off the prideful “natural man,” become “a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, “and become “as a child, submissive, meek, humble.”

Marriage can be difficult if one or both of us is prideful.  Think about digging a hole for your new pool with a small hand shovel.  As you start, things seem okay.  You get past the soft dirt and into the next layer and you begin to hit rocks.  You look at the size of the area and the depth you need to dig and you ask yourself, why do I have to dig a hole for a pool?  The question is not the pool, because you know the pool will be refreshing and relaxing when finished, but it is what can I do to help dig this hole better?  The answer is simple, get a better tool.  Get a larger shovel.  This is like a relationship.  You have a pool to dig, a spouse with who you can enjoy life, but it’s not their fault that you don’t like some things they do.  Change your tool and you can enjoy your spouse for who he/she is. Goddard explains why we might think it is our partners fault and not our own. 

"Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage", by H. Wallace Goddard

“While the natural man is inclined to think that the problem is our partner, the man of Christ knows that the irritation is probably the result of some faulty thinking-some troublesome assumption and expectation nested in our unconscious.”

Let us all find a better tool we have stored in the back of our messy shed and change how we dig.  We can be humble and learn to love and listen to our spouses to have a happier and more enjoyable marriage. 

Be the Person Your Spouse Needs

Often times in my young teenage years, my mother would ask me if I wanted to go to the store with her.  Most of the time I was tired or wanted to relax and watch TV after a long day of school and sports. It wasn’t that I didn’t have time; I just really did not enjoy shopping all the time. 

With time I would go a little more. Some stores my mom needed to go to were in dangerous parts of town and she wanted me to go to help her feel safe.  There were times when my mom would ask and I would think, not really wanting to go, and she said it was okay. I just let her go alone.  This blog consists of marriage, why would I be talking about my mother and me? 

I have learned a life lesson about marriage through this experience.  The times I went with my mother to the store were enjoyable and I learned more about her than I knew prior.  The times she went alone, I was choosing my relaxation time over my mother’s feelings. 

I don’t want to ever do that to my mother again.  I don’t want to tell my future wife I won’t do something just because I don’t enjoy it.  If she likes doing yoga and wants me to do it with her, then I will do it with her. It builds a relationship and you show your love and dedication to her. 

In the book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” by John M. Gottman, he paints a picture of how we can turn toward our spouse on a regular bases. 

“Comical as it may sound, romance actually grows when a couple are in the supermarket and the wife says, “Are we out of bleach?” and the husband says, “I don’t know. Let me go get some just in case,” instead of shrugging apathetically.  It grows when you know your spouse is having a bad day at work and you take sixty seconds out of your own workday to leave words of encouragement on his voice mail.  It grows when your wife tells you one morning, “I had the worst nightmare last night,” and you say, “I’m in a bug hurry, but tell me about it now so we can talk about it tonight,” instead of “I don’t have time” In all of these instances husband and wife are making a choice to turn toward each other rather than away.”

I don’t think we have to be the Jones’.  Honestly, the Jones’ don’t exist. There is neither a perfect family nor a perfect marriage, but I think we can have a strong foundation and relationship when we sacrifice a little of our time for the love of our life.

Is your first thought to reject an invitation from your spouse when he or she asks you to do something with him or her? 

If so, turn toward him or her instead of away.  Invest a little time in your relationship to build strong bonds and a lasting relationship. 

Cherish Your Spouse

What would marriage be like if you and your spouse did not do anything for each other?  How would your relationship be if you never served each other or strived to know of the others life?   There would be no relationship, let alone love.  Often times people live together and see each other every day and don’t know what one another’s goals, hopes, or dreams are.  It is important to take time to understand one another and do it often because times change in a married couple’s life.

Young couples and or young single adults like me often think after finding the love of our life and getting married, everything will be great forever.  Marriage is combining two minds and wants into one.  When children are born or finances are ruff, even strong relationships can suffer.  It is important to love your spouse, but loving them is more than just a word.  It is understanding them and knowing their wants and desires.  John M Gottman explains how happy couples know one another.

“The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” by John M. Gottman

“Emotionally intelligent couples are intimately familiar with each other’s world.  I call this having a richly detailed love map, my term for that part of your brain where you store all the relevant information about your partner’s life.  Another way of saying this is that these couples have made plenty of cognitive room for their marriage.  They remember the major events in each other’s history, and they keep updating their information as the facts and feelings of their spouse’s world change.  When she orders him a salad, she knows to ask for his dressing on the side.  If she works late, he’ll tape her favorite TV show because he knows which one it is and when it’s on. HE could tell you how she’s feeling about her boss, and exactly how to get to her office from the elevator.  He knows that religion is important to her but that deep down she has doubts.  She knows that he fears being too much like his father and considers himself a “free spirit.” They know each other’s goals in life, each other’s worries, each other’s hopes. “

As stated before, I am not married, but I would love to have a relationship where my wife and I knew each other so well.  What a great feeling it is to know someone knows you like you know yourself and has taken the time to understand you. 

When I was younger, I had a birthday party.  My brothers came over and gave me gifts.  One of my brothers bought me a solar powered toy boat.  I was surprised first of all and then I had this tremendous joy come over me.  Joy, not because I wanted that specific toy, but he knew what I liked and made an effort to get what interested me.  I want to have that feeling when my wife remembers things that I like or knows what my passions are. I want her to feel every day how I felt that day at my birthday party.  As I take time to understand her and be aware of how she feels, I hope I can become a better husband.  Take time to get to know your spouse as you did when you first met each other.  

Marriage, Can it be saved?

Why is it people who are so happy and inseparable when they get married sometimes grow apart and even end up in divorce a few years later?  Is it because they did not really know each other or because they thought they were in love when they weren’t?  Why do couples that have been married for twenty plus years begin to fight more often and with greater frustration and end up in divorce?  Is it because they grew out of love or began to be tired of one another? 

I think the common answers to these questions are the wrong ones or often misconceptions.  I think people, get married because they really do love each other.  I believe they knew each other well before they committed to becoming husband and wife and having a family together.  I don’t think divorce happens in one instant.  One instant might be the last straw, but built up emotion or frustration has given heat to the original burning fire.

 For as many years as I know I have always heard that the key to a successful marriage is communication.  In my head it seemed to make sense. A married couple who was able to communicate respectfully could get through any struggle or frustrating experience between the two.  While that is much better than yelling at one another or not speaking at all, it is not the underlying problem.  John M Gottaman studied hundreds of couples for over twenty years and said one key to having a great relationship and avoiding divorce was friendship. 

The seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman

John M Gottman, in his book, says this, “Friendship fuels the flames of romance because it offers the best protection against feeling adversarial toward your spouse.  This means that their positive thoughts about each other and their marriage are so pervasive that they tend to supersede their negative feelings.  It takes a much more significant conflict for them to lose their equilibrium as a couple than it would otherwise. Their positivity causes them to feel optimistic about each other and their marriage, to assume positive things about their lives together, and to give each other the benefit of the doubt.”

Some of the happiest couples I have seen have been those who put God first and who serve one another.  If we do as we have been instructed by wise apostles and prophets, we pray to know what we can change in our own lives to help our frustration with another person.  We don’t pray to help them to stop spending all the money or stop an addiction. We ask our father in heaven to help us be mindful of their situation, understand how they feel, and ask him for help and strength of what we can do to help our beloved spouse. 

Gottman explains making a marriage work is simple. “Happily married couples aren’t’ smarter, richer, or more psychologically astute than others. But in their day-to-day lives, they have hit upon a dynamic that keeps their negative thoughts and feelings about each other (which all couples have) from overwhelming their positive ones. They have what I call an emotionally intelligent marriage.” 

I am not married, but a wife and family are in my plans for the future.  I know we will have struggles and frustrations, but if we can have a great friendship and have our positive thoughts and feelings out weight our negative ones, we will be better off than trying to win a battle every time we talk.  I know God intended for man and woman to be together and for us to have families.  I also know this life is a time for learning and growing and because of that we should not expect to have a perfect marriage.   God does expect us to learn and grow and become the best family we can with the struggles we do have.  Marriage is not intended to be dreadful and together our spouses and us can be the ones to make it an enjoyable one. 

Eternal Marriage

As a young boy, enjoying playing in the dirt and with toy cars, I had never thought of marriage or a family of my own.  As I grew older I started to think what it would be like to have my own family.  Growing up in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, I noticed adults mention the difference of getting married in the temple and getting married civilly.  In a civil marriage a man and a woman are married until death.  If God wants us to be like him and live in happiness, why would he give us a family here on earth and then separate us from that family after death?  He wouldn’t.  The temple is the house of the Lord and a man and woman can be married for all time and eternity.  Ezra Taft Benson said it perfectly when he gave a talk about the importance of temples.

What I Hope You Will Teach Your Children about the Temple by President Ezra Taft Benson

“The temple is an ever-present reminder that God intends the family to be eternal. How fitting it is for mothers and fathers to point to the temple and say to their children, “That is the place where we were married for eternity.”

When our children obey the Lord and go to the temple to receive their blessings and enter into the marriage covenant, they enter into the same order of the priesthood that God instituted in the very beginning with father Adam. Our Father’s house is a house of order. We go to His house to enter into that order of priesthood which will entitle us to all that the Father hath, if we are faithful."

When my friends marry outside the temple in a civil marriage I don’t look down upon them.  This world and especially the United States has less married couples than ever before.  I am ecstatic when people marry, committing themselves to one another and showing their families and the community they are willing to be faithful to each other.  I do know the Lord has a plan that extends into the eternities for us.  He does not plan for us to gain friendships and families here and lose them after death.  When people hear “Mormons” talk about how sacred the temple is and all the rich blessings it offers to faithful members, it is not to mock or put down, but it is an expression of joy.  Families know if they are married in the temple and keep their covenants and God’s commandments, they will be with their family after this life for the eternities. The video clip below paints a picture of this hope and joy.

Temple Marriage

This video shows us Temple Marriage is one of the greatest blessings God has given us on this earth today, but that doesn’t mean everything will be perfect and worry free.  Bruce Hafen explains it beautifully.

Covenant Marriage by Bruce C. Hafen

“Covenant marriage requires a total leap of faith: they must keep their covenants without knowing what risks that may require of them. They must surrender unconditionally, obeying God and sacrificing for each other. Then they will discover what Alma called “incomprehensible joy.”

Although life is tuff and marriage can be difficult, when a couple is married in the temple they can receive more heavenly help from God because they have committed and are living the covenants made in the temple.  I want to live with my family forever.  I want to have “incomprehensible joy” as I reunite with my family after this life.  I know I can have those blessings as I marry in the temple and obey my covenants and God’s commandments.