Cherish Your Spouse

What would marriage be like if you and your spouse did not do anything for each other?  How would your relationship be if you never served each other or strived to know of the others life?   There would be no relationship, let alone love.  Often times people live together and see each other every day and don’t know what one another’s goals, hopes, or dreams are.  It is important to take time to understand one another and do it often because times change in a married couple’s life.

Young couples and or young single adults like me often think after finding the love of our life and getting married, everything will be great forever.  Marriage is combining two minds and wants into one.  When children are born or finances are ruff, even strong relationships can suffer.  It is important to love your spouse, but loving them is more than just a word.  It is understanding them and knowing their wants and desires.  John M Gottman explains how happy couples know one another.

“The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” by John M. Gottman

“Emotionally intelligent couples are intimately familiar with each other’s world.  I call this having a richly detailed love map, my term for that part of your brain where you store all the relevant information about your partner’s life.  Another way of saying this is that these couples have made plenty of cognitive room for their marriage.  They remember the major events in each other’s history, and they keep updating their information as the facts and feelings of their spouse’s world change.  When she orders him a salad, she knows to ask for his dressing on the side.  If she works late, he’ll tape her favorite TV show because he knows which one it is and when it’s on. HE could tell you how she’s feeling about her boss, and exactly how to get to her office from the elevator.  He knows that religion is important to her but that deep down she has doubts.  She knows that he fears being too much like his father and considers himself a “free spirit.” They know each other’s goals in life, each other’s worries, each other’s hopes. “

As stated before, I am not married, but I would love to have a relationship where my wife and I knew each other so well.  What a great feeling it is to know someone knows you like you know yourself and has taken the time to understand you. 

When I was younger, I had a birthday party.  My brothers came over and gave me gifts.  One of my brothers bought me a solar powered toy boat.  I was surprised first of all and then I had this tremendous joy come over me.  Joy, not because I wanted that specific toy, but he knew what I liked and made an effort to get what interested me.  I want to have that feeling when my wife remembers things that I like or knows what my passions are. I want her to feel every day how I felt that day at my birthday party.  As I take time to understand her and be aware of how she feels, I hope I can become a better husband.  Take time to get to know your spouse as you did when you first met each other.  

Marriage, Can it be saved?

Why is it people who are so happy and inseparable when they get married sometimes grow apart and even end up in divorce a few years later?  Is it because they did not really know each other or because they thought they were in love when they weren’t?  Why do couples that have been married for twenty plus years begin to fight more often and with greater frustration and end up in divorce?  Is it because they grew out of love or began to be tired of one another? 

I think the common answers to these questions are the wrong ones or often misconceptions.  I think people, get married because they really do love each other.  I believe they knew each other well before they committed to becoming husband and wife and having a family together.  I don’t think divorce happens in one instant.  One instant might be the last straw, but built up emotion or frustration has given heat to the original burning fire.

 For as many years as I know I have always heard that the key to a successful marriage is communication.  In my head it seemed to make sense. A married couple who was able to communicate respectfully could get through any struggle or frustrating experience between the two.  While that is much better than yelling at one another or not speaking at all, it is not the underlying problem.  John M Gottaman studied hundreds of couples for over twenty years and said one key to having a great relationship and avoiding divorce was friendship. 

The seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman

John M Gottman, in his book, says this, “Friendship fuels the flames of romance because it offers the best protection against feeling adversarial toward your spouse.  This means that their positive thoughts about each other and their marriage are so pervasive that they tend to supersede their negative feelings.  It takes a much more significant conflict for them to lose their equilibrium as a couple than it would otherwise. Their positivity causes them to feel optimistic about each other and their marriage, to assume positive things about their lives together, and to give each other the benefit of the doubt.”

Some of the happiest couples I have seen have been those who put God first and who serve one another.  If we do as we have been instructed by wise apostles and prophets, we pray to know what we can change in our own lives to help our frustration with another person.  We don’t pray to help them to stop spending all the money or stop an addiction. We ask our father in heaven to help us be mindful of their situation, understand how they feel, and ask him for help and strength of what we can do to help our beloved spouse. 

Gottman explains making a marriage work is simple. “Happily married couples aren’t’ smarter, richer, or more psychologically astute than others. But in their day-to-day lives, they have hit upon a dynamic that keeps their negative thoughts and feelings about each other (which all couples have) from overwhelming their positive ones. They have what I call an emotionally intelligent marriage.” 

I am not married, but a wife and family are in my plans for the future.  I know we will have struggles and frustrations, but if we can have a great friendship and have our positive thoughts and feelings out weight our negative ones, we will be better off than trying to win a battle every time we talk.  I know God intended for man and woman to be together and for us to have families.  I also know this life is a time for learning and growing and because of that we should not expect to have a perfect marriage.   God does expect us to learn and grow and become the best family we can with the struggles we do have.  Marriage is not intended to be dreadful and together our spouses and us can be the ones to make it an enjoyable one. 

Eternal Marriage

As a young boy, enjoying playing in the dirt and with toy cars, I had never thought of marriage or a family of my own.  As I grew older I started to think what it would be like to have my own family.  Growing up in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, I noticed adults mention the difference of getting married in the temple and getting married civilly.  In a civil marriage a man and a woman are married until death.  If God wants us to be like him and live in happiness, why would he give us a family here on earth and then separate us from that family after death?  He wouldn’t.  The temple is the house of the Lord and a man and woman can be married for all time and eternity.  Ezra Taft Benson said it perfectly when he gave a talk about the importance of temples.

What I Hope You Will Teach Your Children about the Temple by President Ezra Taft Benson

“The temple is an ever-present reminder that God intends the family to be eternal. How fitting it is for mothers and fathers to point to the temple and say to their children, “That is the place where we were married for eternity.”

When our children obey the Lord and go to the temple to receive their blessings and enter into the marriage covenant, they enter into the same order of the priesthood that God instituted in the very beginning with father Adam. Our Father’s house is a house of order. We go to His house to enter into that order of priesthood which will entitle us to all that the Father hath, if we are faithful."

When my friends marry outside the temple in a civil marriage I don’t look down upon them.  This world and especially the United States has less married couples than ever before.  I am ecstatic when people marry, committing themselves to one another and showing their families and the community they are willing to be faithful to each other.  I do know the Lord has a plan that extends into the eternities for us.  He does not plan for us to gain friendships and families here and lose them after death.  When people hear “Mormons” talk about how sacred the temple is and all the rich blessings it offers to faithful members, it is not to mock or put down, but it is an expression of joy.  Families know if they are married in the temple and keep their covenants and God’s commandments, they will be with their family after this life for the eternities. The video clip below paints a picture of this hope and joy.

Temple Marriage

This video shows us Temple Marriage is one of the greatest blessings God has given us on this earth today, but that doesn’t mean everything will be perfect and worry free.  Bruce Hafen explains it beautifully.

Covenant Marriage by Bruce C. Hafen

“Covenant marriage requires a total leap of faith: they must keep their covenants without knowing what risks that may require of them. They must surrender unconditionally, obeying God and sacrificing for each other. Then they will discover what Alma called “incomprehensible joy.”

Although life is tuff and marriage can be difficult, when a couple is married in the temple they can receive more heavenly help from God because they have committed and are living the covenants made in the temple.  I want to live with my family forever.  I want to have “incomprehensible joy” as I reunite with my family after this life.  I know I can have those blessings as I marry in the temple and obey my covenants and God’s commandments. 

Marriage is Between a Man and a Woman

In my life time I have been around people with same-sex attractions.  Gay or lesbian, both are children of God and want to live a normal life.  Although all of us want to live normal lives, when we speak of marriage there is a difference between heterosexuals and homosexuals.  All these debates, now and from the past, speak of equal rights and benefits.  I think it is important we do not discriminate. I think it is important to treat people as you would like to be treated, but when it comes to marriage, I know it is between a man and a woman.

“The Family: A Proclamation to the World,” is a document I believe is revelation received from God and what he deems as true. It says,

“We, the First Presidency and the Council of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, solemnly proclaim that marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and that the family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children. . . .

The family is ordained of God. Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan. Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity”

We can debate all day marriage is between a man and a woman, which God has intended it to be, but people have different views on the matter.  For a change, let’s focus on the children instead of what two in love adults demand and desire. 

Wardle, L.D. (2008). The attack on marriage as the union of a man and a woman

Same-sex marriage undermines parenting and child-rearing. Every child deserves to be raised by his or her mother and father. While unwed birth and divorce impair that right for some children of conjugal unions, same-sex marriage guarantees that all children who are born during or raised in such unions will be deprived totally of this fundamental moral right. Further, the linkage between responsible procreation and parenting is weakened when marriage is redefined to allow gay unions that absolutely are incapable of procreation. Also, the co-parenting message of marriage is weakened when marriage is redefined to include relations among same-sex couples that are designed for sexual pleasure and lack the ability to coparent.

It is important for readers to know I am not saying same-sex couples are bad parents. I honestly don’t believe that.  Sometimes same-sex couples provide and care for children as well as the average heterosexual married couple. The point being made instead is the power of being raised by your birth mother and father is very important for a child. Children naturally thrive for their birth parents, a mother and a father.  Below is a testimony from a woman who was raised by homosexual parents.  She said she loves her mom and step mom, but still believes the best place to raise children is in the home of a man and woman.

Katy Faust, Letter-Justice Kennedy, “An Open Letter from the Child of a Loving Gay Parent” (Feb 2015)

“When two adults who cannot procreate want to raise children together, where do those babies come from? Each child is conceived by a mother and a father to whom that child has a natural right. When a child is placed in a same-sex-headed household, she will miss out on at least one critical parental relationship and a vital dual-gender influence. The nature of the adults’ union guarantees this. Whether by adoption, divorce, or third-party reproduction, the adults in this scenario satisfy their heart’s desires, while the child bears the most significant cost: missing out on one or more of her biological parents.

If it is undisputed social science that children suffer greatly when they are abandoned by their biological parents, when their parent’s divorce, when one parent dies, or when they are donor-conceived, then how can it be possible that they are miraculously turning out “even better!” when raised in same-sex-headed households?

Now that I am a parent, I see clearly the beautiful differences my husband and I bring to our family. I see the wholeness and health that my children receive because they have both of their parents living with and loving them. I see how important the role of their father is and how irreplaceable I am as their mother. We play complementary roles in their lives, and neither of us is disposable. In fact, we are both critical.

Making policy that intentionally deprives children of their fundamental rights is something that we should not endorse, incentivize, or promote.”

Although I believe a marriage is between a man and women, it is also important not to forget who the victim is here.  The children who are raised in the United States only have a 50% chance of their mother and father staying together to raise them. Yes, this leaves a bad taste in all of our mouths, but if we allow same-sex marriage it adds to the fire.  Children would be missing one of their parents, probably both, during the most crucial years of their young age.  Again, I don’t think homosexuals are bad people, I just think the child, although they might have wonderful homosexual parents, would miss what a mother and father naturally have to give them.  I know God exists and he has a plan for us on this earth.  I know he wants us to be raised by the families that create us and he gives us the opportunity to live with them after this life for eternity.  

Marriage and Divorce

Not being married, I often wonder what my future has in store for me.  I imagine a beautiful, hardworking, unselfish, Christ like wife.  My future wife can have all of these qualities, but that does not mean we won’t fight, disagree, or be frustrated with one another. These reasons don’t entitle me to a divorce.  This life is a learning process for everyone and the value of having a companion to work through the hard times and enjoy the good times is priceless. My goal is to find this woman (future wife) and do my best to support her and our children.  For those of us who are not yet married, we need to do our part in searching for our other half. 

Elder Dallin H. Oaks (Of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles) (May 2007). Divorce. Ensign

“I speak briefly to those contemplating marriage. The best way to avoid divorce from an unfaithful, abusive, or unsupportive spouse is to avoid marriage to such a person. If you wish to marry well, inquire well. Associations through “hanging out” or exchanging information on the Internet are not a sufficient basis for marriage. There should be dating, followed by careful and thoughtful and thorough courtship. There should be ample opportunities to experience the prospective spouse’s behavior in a variety of circumstances. Fiancés should learn everything they can about the families with whom they will soon be joined in marriage. In all of this, we should realize that a good marriage does not require a perfect man or a perfect woman. It only requires a man and a woman committed to strive together toward perfection.”

We live in a world where half of all marriages end in divorce or separation.  First, know I am NOT here to try and tell everyone if you have been divorced you should have worked harder to fix a broken relationship. I think there are a few circumstances when divorce is appropriate, but for the majority of us, if we focus on serving our spouse and look to the Lord to help the struggling relationship, weaknesses can become strengths. Elder Oaks goes on to say, “Two out of three unhappily married adults who avoided divorce reported being happily married five years later.”  Divorce has happened and will continue to happen, but if you are considering divorce, ponder and put into practice this advice from Elder Dallin H. Oaks.

“If you are already descending into the low state of marriage-in-name-only, please join hands, kneel together, and prayerfully plead for help and the healing power of the Atonement. Your humble and united pleadings will bring you closer to the Lord and to each other and will help you in the hard climb back to marital harmony.”

He continues by explaining how a man and woman should act to be compatible.

“To avoid so-called “incompatibility,” they should be best friends, kind and considerate, sensitive to each other’s needs, always seeking to make each other happy. They should be partners in family finances, working together to regulate their desires for temporal things.”

Overall, from other readings and especially Elder Dallin H. Oaks, I have learned marriage between a man and a woman is essential.  In the bonds of marriage we have the blessing to bare children and raise them in the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  It is evident that when being raised by a father and mother who are trying to become like Christ, the family as a whole, is happier and understand their purpose on earth.  I know God gives us challenges, but when I am married to that wonderful woman I will be glad I get to go through them with her.  Whether single, married, divorced, or thinking of divorce, the Atonement of Christ can help and heal us all. 

Here is a 3 minute clip from an Address Elder Dallin H. Oaks gave on May 2007.  (The above quotes are from this address.)

Video