We Are All In This Together

Being a newlywed is such an amazing time, at least that is what I have heard. You start a new life together with the love of your life. You often start a family as well. Your desires and passions are finally being met by someone who loves you for you.  What happens a few weeks after your wedding day?   What happens when you get back from your awesome honey moon?  The real life begins and there are trials and challenges to being together rather than a single individual. Yes, there are expenses, rules, passions, and different ideas of how to raise your children, but is that all?   Of course not, you have two families now.  Harper, J. M. and Olsen, S. F. explained the transition wonderfully.

"Creating Healthy Ties With In-Laws and Extended Families. Harper, J. M. & Olsen, S. F. (2005)

“Marrying into a family that is different from yours or has different values can be a challenge.  Demonstrating humor, exercising patience, overlooking small irritations, and looking for the positive can help in dealing with differences.  One woman said; When I met (his) parents…. I didn’t agree with them on religion, politics, or even on how to cook a pot roast.  I really wasn’t even sure if I liked them.  But then I had to remember they had raised (my husband), and I love him, so there must be something good about them.  At that point, I began to enjoy their differences, and to love them, too.”

Marriage is not only difficult for the children to transition, but it is difficult for a mother and father.  They have raised their children for about two decades and then in sometimes a few months they turn to talk to and ask advice to their spouse more often than their parents.  This is not a one way street.  Both sides are affected when these things happen.  As these authors continue to write, they paint a picture of what it might look like on the other side of the spectrum. 

Creating Healthy Ties With In-Laws and Extended Families. Harper, J. M. & Olsen, S. F. (2005)

“Mothers-In-Law usually discover early that their daughters-in-law are not like them, and in some cases, this may be upsetting.  Parents who are more enmeshed with their children hold expectations their children-in-law will be like them.  A more realistic expectation is that children-in-law will bring new perspectives into the family, and the family can learn from these differences and be complemented by them.  This may be especially difficult when a child marries someone who is less active or not a member, or a child marries someone who is the only member of the Church in this or her family.  Parents who can work toward inclusion of a new son- or daughter-in-law and who show increased love and support have the best relationships with their married children and more influences in the lives of their grandchildren.”

We see that both parents and children are affected when two people get married.  This doesn’t mean it is all bad.  Positive relationships can be formed and often are.  What we need to understand is how we should act when we are married or when our children are mar

ried.  We need to know God has a plan for us to return to live with him some day and being the best people we can be involves marrying and creating a family together.  This life is an opportunity to learn and grow, adapt and change.  Let’s not think that when we get married, we are the only ones that matter.  As parents, let us not think we are the ones needing to be pleased after our child’s marriage.  Let us be more Christ like and create a larger family as God intended us to have.

Who has the power?

Have you ever been in a situation where one person dominates the discussion, doesn’t listen to your thoughts/ideas, or won’t give you the opportunity to prove yourself?  How did you feel?  What did you do as a result?  Now, did you have to accomplish something with that person?  When one person has all the power in a relationship or in a group, the outcomes of performing a task are not as good as they could have been with the calibration of two people.  Marriages often can be improved and raising children effectively if a couple works together and not against one another.  Gordon B Hinckley gives wise council about an equal partnership and explains how he was able to accomplish it in his marriage.

(Gordon B. Hinckley, Ensign, October 2003, pp. 22, 27)

“I’ve tried to recognize my wife’s individuality, her personality, her desires, her background, her ambitions. Let her fly. Yes, let her fly! Let her develop her own talents. Let her do things her way. Get out of her way, and marvel at what she does…If there is anything that concerns me, it is that some men try to run their wife’s life and tell her everything she ought to do. It will not work. There will not be happiness in the lives of the children nor of the parents where the man tries to run everything and control his wife. They are partners. They are companions in this great venture that we call marriage and family life.”

As the president of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, he gives wise council and practices what he preaches.  In an early talk he gives more council to an effective equal partnership.

(Gordon B. Hinckley, Ensign, August 1992, p. 6)

“Marriage, in its truest form, is a partnership of equals, with neither exercising dominion over the other, but, rather, with each encouraging and assisting the other in whatever responsibilities and aspirations he or she might have.”

When partners are equals, they can be more effective parents.  Have you had times in your life when you thought your kid was using your spouse against you to get their way?  Have you been too strict with your children, wanting to protect them, to only find out they rebel more than other children? Have you given your child too much freedom without rules or guidelines and they are going down a path you don’t want them to? There needs to be balance in all things even when it comes to disciplining your children.  Spencer W Kimball and Joseph F. Smith hit the nail on the head when they describe how to discipline your children.

(Spencer W. Kimball, TSWK pp. 340, 341)

“Discipline is probably one of the most important elements in which a mother and father can lead and guide and direct their children…. Setting limits to what a child can do means to that child that you love him and respect him. If you permit the child to do all the things he would like to do without any limits, that means to him that you do not care much about him.”

(Joseph F. Smith, Gospel Doctrine, p. 286)

“God forbid that there should be any of us so unwisely indulgent, so thoughtless and so shallow in our affection for our children that we dare not check them in a wayward course, in wrong-doing and in their foolish love for the things of the world more than for the things of righteousness, for fear of offending them.”

If we want to become effective parents, we first need to start with our marriage.  Be equal.  Although a husband and wife have different responsibilities and obligations, they should be as equals.  They need to be respectful of one another and help raise the family together.  As these traits are perfected, raising children will be a bit easier and more effective.  Together, you and your spouse can become one and raise children who want and strive to be like Christ every day of their lives.  

Fidelity

Have you ever had a best friend you had a struggle or frustrations with?  Often times, we don’t always talk to our best friend about it.  Although the problem or quarrel can be solved much easier, we complain to others and seek comfort from people we don’t value as much as our best friend. Why do we do this?  Why do we seek love from less than our best friend?  We are prideful.  We don’t want to talk to our friend if he or she hurt our feelings.  This is the opposite of what we should do.  We need to comfort our friend and work with them to solve this frustrations and conflict.  The guidance is the very same in marriage.  The more distant we are from our spouse, the more we confide or seek comfort from others.  If these people are the opposite sex, it could have devastating consequences.

“Purity” Brother Goddard

This is an example of progression of unfaithfulness

• Behaviors that seem innocent(doing good, helping in some capacity)
• An affection grows that claims part of one’s heart
• Extramarital flirting. Justification- “no harm intended”
• Relationship declared as “special”
• Opportunities created to see “special fiend” (one worries what others will say/think)
• Excuses made, lies told to hide time and resources spent on other person
• Spouse is displaced. Emotional intimacy exchanged with “special friend”
• Faultfinding with spouse
• Fantasies about other person
• Physical affection-a squeeze, a kiss, a hug
• Sexual relations

We know sexual relations do n ot just happen out of nowhere.  This progression is exactly what Satan does when it comes to sin.  Little by little he tempts us and tries to distort our way of thinking.  As we push our spouse away, we have to feel that space with something and someone and it leads to dangerous regrettable mistakes.  I’ve spoken about all the bad that can happen, what do we do to avoid all of this negativity and separation from our spouse? We learn to love them.  A student at BYU Idaho struggled with some of these early on unfaithful actions.  She was able to turn it all around and re kindle that love and growth with her husband.  He is her experience.

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“As I read the chapter on purity I was horrified.  Tears filled my eyes when I realized that I was in those beginning stages of being unfaithful.  The thought of being unfaithful to my sweetheart is disgusting to me, and yet in a way I was playing with emotional infidelity.  I really love the quote, “The grass is greener on the other side of the fence you water.” It is so true! My friendship was not bad, but what was bad was that I was putting energy into the friendship that should have been put into my marriage.  I made a strict commitment to myself and the Lord that I would not share my heart with anyone but my husband and Him.  I had been thinking about my friend worrying about him, a lot, and I decided that was the end and cut it out of my mind.  My friend has other people and the Lord to take care of him.  I changed my usual route waling to class, knowing that I would sometimes run into him on that route.  I stopped talking to him on the computer. All of the energy, thoughts, time on the computer everything I turned over to my husband, plus more. I am again looking for little acts of service I can do to show my husband how much I totally adore him. I am doing the things to build our relationship spiritually and to give God His place in our marriage. I want to have the greenest, most beautiful grass on the side of the fence where my husband is, and I will not let anything in to harm it.  I haven’t spoken to my husband about this wake-up call, but I think he has felt and noticed the changes.”

We all make mistakes and get frustrated with those around us.  It is our duty and responsibility to keep the fidelity between us and our spouse.  Take a breath before making a regrettable decision and think of all the good qualities your spouse possess.  None of us want to lose that and we won’t as we stick to them and are faithful to them.