Why is it people who are so happy and inseparable when they
get married sometimes grow apart and even end up in divorce a few years later? Is it because they did not really know each
other or because they thought they were in love when they weren’t? Why do couples that have been married for twenty
plus years begin to fight more often and with greater frustration and end up in
divorce? Is it because they grew out of
love or began to be tired of one another?
I think the common answers to these questions are the wrong
ones or often misconceptions. I think
people, get married because they really do love each other. I believe they knew each other well before
they committed to becoming husband and wife and having a family together. I don’t think divorce happens in one instant. One instant might be the last straw, but
built up emotion or frustration has given heat to the original burning fire.
For as many years as
I know I have always heard that the key to a successful marriage is
communication. In my head it seemed to
make sense. A married couple who was able to communicate respectfully could get
through any struggle or frustrating experience between the two. While that is much better than yelling at one
another or not speaking at all, it is not the underlying problem. John M Gottaman studied hundreds of couples
for over twenty years and said one key to
having a great relationship and avoiding divorce was friendship.
The seven Principles
for Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman
John M Gottman, in
his book, says this, “Friendship fuels the flames of romance because it offers
the best protection against feeling adversarial toward your spouse. This means that their positive thoughts about
each other and their marriage are so pervasive that they tend to supersede
their negative feelings. It takes a much
more significant conflict for them to lose their equilibrium as a couple than
it would otherwise. Their positivity causes them to feel optimistic about each
other and their marriage, to assume positive things about their lives together,
and to give each other the benefit of the doubt.”
Some of the happiest couples I have seen have been those who
put God first and who serve one another.
If we do as we have been instructed by wise apostles and prophets, we
pray to know what we can change in our own lives to help our frustration with
another person. We don’t pray to help
them to stop spending all the money or stop an addiction. We ask our
father in heaven to help us be mindful of their situation, understand how they
feel, and ask him for help and strength of what we can do to help our beloved
spouse.
Gottman explains
making a marriage work is simple. “Happily married couples aren’t’ smarter,
richer, or more psychologically astute than others. But in their day-to-day
lives, they have hit upon a dynamic that keeps their negative thoughts and
feelings about each other (which all couples have) from overwhelming their
positive ones. They have what I call an emotionally intelligent marriage.”
I am not married, but a wife and family are in my plans for
the future. I know we will have
struggles and frustrations, but if we can have a great friendship and have our
positive thoughts and feelings out weight our negative ones, we will be better
off than trying to win a battle every time we talk. I know God intended for man and woman to be
together and for us to have families. I
also know this life is a time for learning and growing and because of that we
should not expect to have a perfect marriage.
God does expect us to learn and grow and become the best family we can
with the struggles we do have. Marriage
is not intended to be dreadful and together our spouses and us can be the ones
to make it an enjoyable one.
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