Managing Conflict

How do we manage conflict?  How do we handle when our spouse gets upset or is upset with us?  I am not married and don’t know what it is like, but I have been in conflicts and have been scolded at and it does not help.  When we hear how awful we are doing or what a terrible job we have done, we don’t feel too encouraged.  If we eventually do what this nagging person asks us to do, we don’t do it out of respect, we do it because we fear another scolding. Gottman shows how degrading can reduce our growth or push us away when he compares adults to children. 

"The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" John M.Gottman

“Adults could learn something in this regard from research into child development. We now know that the key to instilling in children a positive self-image and effective social skills is to communicate to them that we understand their feelings. Children grow and change optimally when we acknowledge their feelings.  Children grow and change optimally when we acknowledge their emotions. (“That doggie scared you,” “You’re crying because you’re sad right now,” “You sound very angry.  Let’s talk about it”) rather than belittle or punish them for their feelings (“It’s silly to be afraid of such a little dog,” “Big boys don’t cry,” “No angry bears allowed in this house, go to your room till you calm down”). When you let a child know that his or her feelings are okay to have, you are also communicating that the child himself or herself is acceptable even when sad or crabby or scared.  This helps the child to feel good about himself or herself, which makes positive growth and change possible.  The same is true for adults.  In order to improve a marriage, we need to feel accepted by our spouse.”

Think in your own life. Do you degrade your spouse or put them down when talking to them?  Do you start your conversation with a harsh start up instead of bringing up something helpful or being considerate?  If you or your spouse does this when there is conflict, then consider what Goddard mentioned in his book.

"Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage" H. Wallace Goddard

“Consecration is a covenant that moves us from asking how we can get our needs met to asking how we can bless and serve.  We become more grateful.  Rather than wondering if this marriage is a good investment that will pay us a handsome return, we ask for heavenly grace that we may love and serve as Jesus served without thought of reward.  While there are destructive relationships that should end, the vast majority of relationships can survive and flourish if each of us brings our whole should as an offering.”

We often get caught up in the self-pity game or pour me.  There are times when our spouse might act inappropriately or out of anger, but most of the time conflicts or disagreements can be resolved civilly and without the “gnashing of teeth.”  Do we often treat our guests better than our spouse when they have done something that would normally infuriate us?  Gottman stopped me in my tracks when I read his more than inspired words. 

"The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" John M.Gottman

“To a certain degree, my fifth principle comes down to having good manners.  It means treating your spouse with the same respect you offer to company. If a guest leaves an umbrella, we say, “Here. You forgot your umbrella.”  We would never think of saying, “What’s wrong with you? You are constantly forgetting things.  Be a little more thoughtful, for God’s sake!  What am I, your slave to go picking up after you?” We are sensitive to the quest’s feelings, even if things don’t go so well. “

When in a debate or disagreement with your spouse, think to yourself, would I want to be talked to or addressed in the manner I am going to communicate?  When you are angry or frustrated, you aren’t yourself and don’t treat people like you normally would.  If a conflict arises this week between you and your spouse, will you take the time to ask for God’s help and see your husband/wife for who they are trying to be?  Will you do your best to not start a conversation with a harsh startup?  Finally, will you help your spouse help feel accepted when he or she is not acting herself?